Three Steps to Greater Empathy
Empathy is a Choice
Empathy is the ability to see problems from the perspective of another, to put ourselves in their shoes, and to extend ourselves to others.
It is the difference between feeling ‘with’ someone and feeling ‘for’ someone (compassion).
Empathy is important because as James Manktelow put it “empathy is the oil that keeps relationships running smoothly.”
Unfortunately, a lot of people view empathy like a personality trait, fixed and unchangeable. Others view empathy as something that has limits.
What’s the truth?
It turns out that empathy is a choice. We can be as empathic as we want to be…it just is a question of learning how.
Why We Believe Empathy is Limited
Internal economics is one reason we believe empathy is limited.
You have probably heard the saying, “one death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic.”
Psychologically, we believe that empathy is a zero-sum resource…that It is limited, and every bit you spend is perishable: once spent, it cannot be used somewhere else.
Part of this is tied to resource allocation. We react to socially causes emotionally, in terms of financial costs.
Large crowds of needed people don’t trigger our empathy as do single needy individuals. That’s because we see groups as unaffordable, but individuals as affordable. This perception is why social service agencies and caused-based marketers try to tie individual faces to the causes they promote.
A second reason that we perceive empathy as limited is because we believe empathy is inherent and limited by birth, something that’s part of our genetic endowment. We simply think that some people are blessed with large reserves of empathy while others have no such reserves.
A final reason for our empathy-is-limited belief is that many of us are relatively isolated.
Empathy is literally about connection, and the more your lived experience is disconnected from people around you, the less empathic you tend to be.
Is empathy really limited? And, if not, how can we expand and embrace our empathy
Empathy is a Choice
Can it really be as simple as becoming more socially connected and choosing to care more?
According to research psychologists Daryl Cameron, Michael Inzlicht, and William A. Cunningham, in a recent New York Times article, empathy is a choice.
As the researchers conclude, “empathy is only as limited as we choose it to be.”
Empathy Can Be Learned
Another team of researchers, including Carol Dweck, PhD, found across seven studies, that when people were exposed to the idea that they could choose to be more empathic, people engaged in more empathic behaviors.
In other words, we can learn to be empathic; and believing that we can learn is a potential springboard to even greater empathy.
As the researchers concluded, “people’s mindsets powerfully affect whether they exert effort to empathize when it is needed most, and these data may represent a point of leverage in increasing empathic behaviors on a broad scale.”
In other words, having a positive mindset about your ability to expand your empathy is the fertilizer that will help your empathic skills grow. Having a positive mindset (belief) nurtures learning, which leads to action.
You Can Create Your Own Empathy Growth Plan
Here are some tools you can use for your own empathy growth-plan. These come from Keith Jackson, at MindTools.com:
Actively suspend your point-of-view, and try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
You will likely see that the other person you are trying to understand, help, or disagree with, is not irrational. They simply are trying to make the best decisions that they can based on what they believe and the information they possess.
Validate the other person’s perspective.
You can accept that someone else has reasons for their opinion without accepting their opinion. Acknowledging the other person is an important part of building a respectful relationship.
Examine your own attitude.
Is your reaction colored by trying to dominate, win, or be “right” in every exchange? By thinking about what you are really trying to accomplish (ie, connection), you can grow empathy. If your goal is to connect meaningfully with someone else and forge a solid relationship, not simply ‘win’ an argument, then it’s critical to examine your motives and purpose, degree of openness and acceptance, and attitude. If it’s all about “you,” it’s hard to create empathy.
Listen actively to the people with whom you’re interacting. Listen with your ears, eyes, instincts, and heart. Don’t tune people out or cut off what they’re saying in order to beat them to the punch or to shut off their line of reasoning.People feel validated when you communicate that you care about them and what they have to say.Listen for the underlying messages. Hear the dreams and yearnings beneath the words. Use active listening. Active listening allows you to “make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, try to understand the complete message being sent.”
Ask What The Other Person Would Do.
So often we impose and project our ideas onto others, even while they’re sharing their thoughts and ideas with us. It’s as if we believe we know them so well that we almost know them better than they know themselves.One great way to develop empathy is to be curious: Ask people what they’re thinking and feeling. When talking about a specific situation and issue, ask them what they would do. And listen! Listen closely and listen deeply, with your full attention.
No matter if you are trying to help a friend, create consensus in a group, or soothe over problems at home or at work, empathy will help.
IWE defines empathy as a critical part of the foundation for wellness coaching. Our training takes students wherever they’re “at” and helps them develop, increase, and refine their empathic approach to themselves first, and then to others.
Remember: Empathy is a choice…and it’s a choice that you have the power to use!
What have your experiences with empathy been? We would love to hear your opinions…Jump right in…add your comments anytime.
